"Oscar this, why don't ya?"

Reviews by the one and only J.J. Martini

Rated with the patented FIVE PUCK SYSTEM!

 

BEACH BLANKET BINGO

Beach Blanket Bingo is #5 of the infamous Frankie and Annette beach franchise and considered by many the best romp of them all. If you need an explanation as to what these movies are about you need to enroll yourself in the "How Not To Be Stoopid!" night course at your local university. This installment shakes things up a bit with Linda Evans as pop singing icon, and an elder Buster Keaton (with those glory days long gone) in an interesting role. Rickles is in top shape, literally insulting everyone in sight with his rapier-like tongue. Slice and Dice. Paul Lynde (right) is his classic smarmy self and many of the other regulars make an appeareance as well. However, dearly missed is Keenan Wynn, a man who should never be far from a Frankie and Annette movie. Director William Asher has clearly come into his own with this classic, and should still be churning out one of these babies for the USA Network every year.
Dir: William Asher Cast: Frankie Avalon, Annette Funicello, Paul Lynde, Harvey Lembeck, Don Rickles, Linda Evans, Linda McCrea, Marta Kristen, John Ashley, Deborah Walley, Buster Keaton. 98m/1965

 

 

BIKINI BEACH

Third in the series, Bikini Beach finds Frankie, Annette, and the rest of those kooky kids battling a bad man who wants to close down the beach! Of all things -- closing down the beach! (Where did these kids live -- wasn't there a Cold War going on?) And, of course, most deliciously, only evil Rickles could be crafting such a scheme. Beautiful, just beautiful. "Bikini Beach" has got everything you've come to expect from the beachy duo. Frankie, however, really gets to shine his acting shoes in the dual role of British singing sensation "The Potato Bug." (The "Potato Bug" is a beetle. As in Beatle. As in The Beatles. Get it, moron?) Bikini Beach definitely ranks No. 1 as far as beachwear is concerned -- J Crew ought to take lessons from this flick.
Dir. William Asher Cast: Frankie Avalon, Annette Funicello, Keenan Wynn, Don Rickles 100m/1964

 

 

CASINO

This film is not open for discussion! And if I hear one more person complain of it's similarities to "Good Fellas" we're gonna send "Nicky" over to your house, capiche? Cinematically this film is perfect. The costume designer should be heralded as a genius. Sharon Stone? Unbelieveable! Rickles as Billy Sherbert? Genius. Bobby? Genius. Joe Pesci? Genius. The opening credits alone speak volumes! The music? Just say Robbie Robertson! Pileggi's writing? Genius. I'm done with defending this movie!
Dir. Martin Scorsese Cast: Robert De Niro, Sharon Stone, Joe Pesci, James Woods, Don Rickles, Alan King, Kevin Pollak, L.Q. Jones, Dick Smothers, Frank Vincent, Pasquale Cajano 178m/1995/ Rated R for brutal violence/strong language/sexuality

 

 

DON RICKLES: BUY THIS TAPE YOU HOCKEY PUCK

The pure genius of the title alone reveals Rickles as comedic giant. However, you won't find this one at your local video outlet. But...if you live here in La-La Land (for all you fly-overs, that's Los Angeles), all it takes is seven bucks and a trip to the Museum of Television & Radio. The best part about watching stuff at the Museum is you that get all the retro commercials actually aired during the show back in '75.
Dir. Barry Shear Cast: Don Rickels, Jack Klugman, Don Adams, Michele Lee, James Caan, Miachel Caine, Jose Ferrer, Arthur Godfrey, Elliot Gould 1975

 

 

ENTER LAUGHING

This should be renamed "Never Funny". Or better yet, call this "Don't Buy This Tape You Hockey Puck." No one (not even me) could possibly like this! A tarnisher. And they say Reiner is in a slump now. Wow.
Dir. Carl Riener Cast: Reni Santoni, Jose Ferrer, Shelly Winters, Elaine May, Jack Gillford, Janet Margolin, Michael J. Pollard, Don Rickles, Rob Riener, Nancy Kovak. 112m/1967

 

 

FOR THE LOVE OF IT

"For the Love of It" sure sums up this beauty: you gotta love movies -- dumb movies -- and I mean you gotta really love dumb movies, which I do, to love this one. Not that this film is terrible, but it does fall into that peculiar genre where your girlfriend or wife (yes, only a guy could watch this) sitting next to you on the couch looks up from her magazine or needlepoint and says, "Are you really watching this?" Zany odd ball comedy with Rickles trying to steal Russia's plans for taking over the Middle East. Throw in a fumbling, bumbling FBI and idiotic CIA, and you've got yourself a recipe for, well, a bowl of cereal. Amazing to eat, but when placed next to the Chateau Briand from Trader Vics, you'll pass. However, for TV pop culture fans, this is a direct window back into the world of 1980. Also, a fun trick rental. Try this: invite all your independent-film-type friends over for a night of brie, Kurosawa and Kubrick. Then pop this gem into the VCR and enjoy! The ones who get up and leave when you tell them you're serious are the ones to cross off that X-mas list. P.S. I've seen a Kurosawa film. Can you say stinky?
Dir. Hal Kanter Cast: Don Rickles, Deborah Raffin, Jeff Conaway, Tom Bosley, Henry Gibson, Barbi Benton, Adam West, Norman Fell, Noriyuki "Pat" Morita. PG/violence adult themes/98m/1980

 

 

INNOCENT BLOOD

I really have to draw the line with this John Landis-directed piece of poopy (What the hell happened to Landis, anyways?). Innocent Blood is about -- get this -- a vampiress who sinks her teeth into a mob boss and his gang of cronies. I saw this once, a long time ago, with Gilbert Godfried (a two-legged diarrhea cramp of a comedian) on Up All Night. I didn't stay up all night. A must see however, for all true Pucksters, with mature Rickles in a fab mob get-up.
Dir. John Landis Cast: Anne Parillaud, Robert Loggia, Anthony La Paglia, Don Rickles. R/Gore Profanity explicit sex & nudity/112m/1992

 

 

KEATON'S COP

If someone walked up to me on the street and asked if I'd like to have a private lunch with Abe Vigoda, Lee Majors and Don Rickles, for the first time in my life I'd be speechless. Then I'd kiss the messenger and pay for lunch. Does "Keaton's Cop" throw all three of these guys in a mob shoot 'em up movie? Yes! Will it win you a new girlfriend? Well, no. But if you can find it, rent it. Because it's kind of like the Blarney Stone in Ireland -- if you're there you might as well kiss it even though the locals pee on it at night! No offense, but wow! Should be renamed "The Six Million Dollar Fish with the Big Mouth!"
Dir. Robert Burge Cast: Lee Majors, Abe Vigoda, Don Rickles. R/95m/profanity /violence/1990

 

 

KELLY'S HEROES

If you didn't catch this as a kid on a Saturday afternoon then you need to see a therapist, cuz you're "blocking" some memories. Either that or you were a loser. Every "guy" in America has seen this film at least once. And boy, did Coppola rip-off the character "Oddball," played by Donald Sutherland, for Robert Duval's character in "Apocalypse Now!" "Kelly's Heroes" is a piece of pure film making genius. From the opening credits straight through to the closing song "Burning Bridges" by the Mike Curb Congregation! One can only wish to have been along for the ride. "Kelly's Heroes" follows a bunch of WWII GI's, lead by Clint Eastwood aka "Kelly", as they head into German territory to swipe $16 million in Nazi gold. The Rickles, aka "Crapgame" plays a black market "hustler" from New York who can get you anything you want as long as the price is right. And the price is definitely right! With the help of "Big Joe" aka Telly Savalas and "Oddball" the wacko tank commander, Kelly and Crapgame round up a veritable army and set out to make their fortune amidst a lot of explosions and one-liners. A lot of people chalk this film up as "cheesy and silly but good enough for a couple laughs." Which almost drives me to kill. These are the same people who were happy when David Lee Roth was replaced by Sammy Hagar as singer for Van Halen. I had an encounter recently with a young woman who, after I declared my love for Diamond Dave (Lee Roth), told me she was losing respect for me. Furious though I was, I chose to drop the subject by simply saying, "Well some people get it and some people don't. Oh well." Did she leave it alone? No. She responded, and these are her actual words now, she responded by asking, "But where's the art?" She has never seen Kelly's Heroes! Need I say more?
Dir. Brian G. Hutton Cast Clint Eastwood, Telly Savalas, Don Rickles, Carroll O'Connor, Donald Sutherland, Stuart Margolin, Jeff Morris, Richard Davalos, Gavin MacLeod, Harry Dean Stanton. 149m, 1970 rated PG

 

 

THE MONEY JUNGLE

Review pending.

Dir. Francis D. Lyon Cast: John Ericson, Leslie Parrish, Charles Drake, Don Rickles Lola Albright, Nehemiah Persoff, Kent Smith. 95m/1968 no rating.

 

 

MUSCLE BEACH PARTY

By now, we all know what to expect when it's got "Beach" in the title and Frankie and Annette in the credits. Muscle Beach Party is no exception. The second of the series once again finds our kids havin' fun and gettin' down to some groovy tunes until somebody comes along and drops a rotten egg stinker. Our Triumphant Master and Insult Laureate Rickles does the dropping when he invades the scene with a stable of bodybuilders. I mean it -- those kids are steamin' mad! Rickles' first glorious appearance in the series is more than worth the rental price. If you're simply a Rickles fan, zip through all the groovy stuff and stop only at the scenes where the master kicks the proverbial sand in Frankie's face. But if you're into these movies (and really -- who isn't?) Muscle Beach Party is a classic. Look for screen debut of Stevie Wonder.
Dir. William Asher Cast: Frankie Avalon, Annette Funicello, Buddy Hackett, Luciana Paluzzi, Don Rickles, John Ashley, Jody McCrea, Morey Amsterdam. 94m/1964 no rating

 

 

RABBIT TRAP

Review pending.

Dir. Phillip Leacock Cast: Ernest Borgnine, Bethel Leslie, June Blair Don Rickles David Brian, Kevin Corcoran, Jeanette Nolan. 72m/1959/ B&W /no rating. <

 

 

RAT RACE

Review pending.

Dir. Robert Mulligan Cast: Tony Curtis, Jack Oakie, Don Rickles Debbie Reynolds, Kay Medford, Joe Bushkin. 105m/1960/ no rating.

 

 

RUN SILENT, RUN DEEP

Review pending.

Dir. Robert Wise Cast: Clark Gable, Jack Warden, Nick Cravat, Don Rickles Burt Lancaster, Brad Dexter, Mary LaRoche, Eddie Foy III. 93m/B&W/no rating.

 

 

TOY STORY

Review pending.

Overall Rating: $$$ Rickles Rating: $$$$

 

 

TWO TOP BANANAS

How I wish I could get my grubby little mitts on this! Rickles partnered with slueth extraordinaire Don Adams -- aka Maxwell Smart? Agent 86 and The Hockey Puck? It's an idea so perfect that whomever came up with it ought to receive a medal. Two Top Bananas, as the title suggests, is a throwback to vaudville/burlesque days, complete with sketches, sight gags, one liners, singing and dance. And if any of you have ever seen Rickles live, you know first-hand how his crooning, while not quite up to Frank's caliber, is a moving and emotional experience. These two Dons, performing together, are like Crunch Berries: original Captain Crunch is excellent, but add some wacky fruit? Voila! A masterpiece! Anyone knowing the whereabouts of this must contact us immediately!!
Dir. Phil Osman Cast: Don Rickles , Don Adams, Carol Wayne, Murray Langston. R/Nudity & Profanity/45m/1982

 

 

WHERE IT'S AT

Review pending.

Dir. Garson Kanin Cast: David Janssen, Rosemary Forsyth Don Rickles Robert Drivas, Brenda Vaccaro, Edy Williams. 104m/1969
Rated R.

 

 

X (The Man with the X-Ray Eyes.

Review pending.

Dir. Roger Corman Cast: Ray Milland, Harold J. Stone, Don Rickles Diana Van Der Vlis, John Hoyt. 80m no rating

All reveiws written by J.J. Martini. A Martini is also a drink.

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